Great Golf Jokes

103 Excuses to Play Golf 

1. I have to make sure my back stays loose.
2. Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!
3. There's free beer at the turn.
4. Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.
5. Golf brings out my best competitive nature.
6. Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.
7. A free round of golf was included with lessons.
8. History dictates the more I play, the better I get.
9. I always meet interesting people on the course.
10. Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk constantly.
11. I have to try out this new hat.
12. I haven't played the course in ten years since I moved away.
13. I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.
14. I heard golf is much easier when you're sober, so I have to try it.
15. All the executives from my company play this course.
16. I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses.
17. I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.
18. I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn.
19. A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.
20. I have to crown the new bathroom.
21. I just bought a box of titanium golf balls.
22. I just bought a new golf glove off the web.
23. I always play great in the rain.
24. I just bought a pair of waterproof shoes with slip-proof soft-spikes.
25. I just bought a putter guaranteed to cut 10 strokes off my round.
26. I just bought some slice-proof tees.
27. I just bought winter golf gloves. I want to see how they work.
28. I just enjoy having a cup of coffee while waiting on the tee box.
29. I just finished a lesson on the Internet; I want to see if I improved.
30. I just finished the book titled 'Learn to Golf in Twenty Minutes'.
31. Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
32. I just got a new distance finder.
33. I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.
34. After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.
35. I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today.
36. I am required to golf for work; I love my job.
37. I am sick of playing golf on my computer and I want to play for real.
38. I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.
39. I need to try out my new double titanium krypton driver.
40. I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.
41. I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes.
42. I can expense it for business purposes.
43. I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.
44. I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club.
45. I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.
46. Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing.
47. Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.
48. I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.
49. I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try it for real.
50. I finally got a set of brand clubs. I want to see if I can break 120!
51. All the pin placements are forward today.
52. I have not played since last summer.
53. I hate NASCAR, and that's all that's on TV.
54. I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.
55. I have only played that course on my computer.
56. I have some money from my company's profit sharing.
57. I have spent a lot of time practicing; I want to see how I do.
58. I have to get used to my new putter.
59. I have to golf as much as possible. We only golf 4 months in Alaska.
60. I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.
61. I have to golf, it's a guy thing.
62. I have to keep trying to get a hole in one!
63. I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.
64. I have to pay the club dues so I might as well get my money out of it.
65. I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday.
66. I have to see how my new lesson worked out.
67. I have to see if I eliminated my slice.
68. I have to see if my new sunglasses help me read the greens better.
69. I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.
70. I have to see if these new golf balls will float.
71. I have to teach my son-in-law how to golf.
72. I have to test this new allergy medicine on the course.
73. I have to take my wife golfing at least once a year, it is in the pre-nuptial.
74. I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.
75. I golf every day that ends in a 'y'.
76. I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my birthday.
77. I got a new pair of knickers.
78. I got a super deal on a golf package.
79. I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous).
80. I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.
81. I got new license plates for my golf cart. I've got to check them out.
82. I got the “hots” for the beer girl.
83. I got those new golf balls that fly 'too far'; I have to try them out.
84. I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.
85. I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.
86. I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.
87. I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!
88. I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends.
89. I had to make a sales call at the course anyway.
90. I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.
91. I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing.
92. I have a rain check from yesterday.
93. I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.
94. I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club.
95. I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh air.
96. I practiced putting on my carpet; now I want to see if it pays off.
97. I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.
98. I have been taking golf vitamins to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.
99. I watched the golf channel for 48 hours straight. I am psyched up.
100. I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.
101. I have never eagled a hole before and I feel lucky.
102. I have never played a canyon course before.
103. I have never played bent grass before.

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Golf Partner

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Brian Kennedy in the games anymore.

The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course - ever?"

"Of course, I wouldn't." replies the wife.

"Well," says the husband, "apparently neither does Brian Kennedy."

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Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!".

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Big Shooter Quotes

1. There are three ways to improve your golf game: Take lessons, practice constantly...or start cheating!
2. Forget about all those "How To" books and videos. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!
3. The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.
4. Golf is not a matter of life and death. It's a lot more important than that.
5. Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
6. Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.
7. The number one thing about trouble is...don't get into more.
8. Golf is like any other sports competition. There's not a lot of point to it unless someone suffers. ...even, if it's you.
9. The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name ... and they say golf is a quiet game.
10. Why is it that when you tell yourself, "don't hit it into the water," your body only seems to hear the word 'water'?"
11. Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
12. It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about which fairway.
13. Fore!" is not an excuse.  "So what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.
14. If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
15. The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway
16. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook.  If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
17. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
18. A “gimme” is an agreement between two guys who can't putt.
19. Half of golf is fun. The other half is putting.
20. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt
21. If God didn't want man to have mulligans, balls wouldn't come three to a sleeve.
22. All I've got against golf is that it takes you too far from the clubhouse.

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Back It Up

Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235-yard par-3.

After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin.

A fan in the crowd said "Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3-iron back up like that?"

Mr. Palmer replied, "Do you own a 3 iron?"

The fan said, "Yes, sir I do."

"How far do you hit it?" said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply.

Palmer calmly said, "What the hell do you want it to back up for?"

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Club Selection

For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed.

Finally, on the 17th hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a 4-wood and the golfer reacted.

"I think it's a 3-iron," said the golfer.

"No, sir it's a 4-wood," said the caddy.

"Nope, it's definitely a 3-iron."

So, the golfer set up, took the 3-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.

"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."

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Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So, he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies.

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

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Heaven or Hell

An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in.

The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"

"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."

The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.

"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."

The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.

"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."

"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"

"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."

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Friends

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement.

"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

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It's Called Golf

1. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
2. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
3. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
4. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
5. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
6. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
7. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
8. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
9. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
10. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
11. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
12. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken. 

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Late Arrival

One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"

His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."

"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."

"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"

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Sports Study

After a 2-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

• The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
• The sport of choice for maintenance level worker is: bowling.
• The sport of choice for blue-color worker is: football.
• The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
• The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
• The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise on the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.

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Hole in One

Jimmy had been playing for twenty years but never had a hole-in-one.

As he was blasting away in a sand trap one day and he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything to get a hole-in-one."

"Anything?" came a voice from behind. Jimmy turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with horns and a tail.

"What did you have in mind?" Jimmy asked.

"Would you give up half your sex life?" asked the devilish figure.

"Yes, Yes I would." Jimmy replied.

"It's a deal then." and the figure faded from sight.

On the very next hole he did it!

The ball soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole for his first ever hole-in-one. And amazingly, he aced every other hole that he played the rest of the day!

At the end of the round, the figure in red appeared again. "Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."

Jimmy frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.

"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure. "We struck a bargain and you agreed to it."

"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want ... the thinking or the dreaming?"

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Escapee

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on?"

The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

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Score

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other's arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob "What'd you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself - " No, no....a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,

"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.

John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."

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Really Good Player

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies.

His buddies ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies - "He's very good"

The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say - "You said your friend was a good golfer!"

Dick says - "Just watch him play."

They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and says - "You said this guy was good"

Dick replies - "Just watch, he's a great player."

The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstretched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend.

Dick replies - "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron".

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Missed Putt

An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.

" I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

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Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So, forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So, the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

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Mermaid

An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore.

They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.

The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?" "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So. the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmmn, that's nice."

The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So, the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmmn," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."

Finally, the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No, I haven't," said the mermaid. "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cuz the tide's out!"

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Kicked Ball

A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst.

One of the four winked at the others and kicked the ball into the hole. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face.

He looked around distractedly and asked: "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with a straight face. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly.

Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see.

Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner, the group on the green heard him shout:

"Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."

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Japan

An American guy travels to Japan on business.

After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks.

Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin- Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!

|The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!

The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"

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Slow Group

The same foursome played every day at ten o'clock. They were known as the three-hour gang, always finished by 1pm so they could play gin all afternoon.

One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing incredibly slow. The guys in the three-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through.

After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into the men's bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cussing coming from the gang.

Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, "You guys should lighten up. That group you're cussing out – well, they can't see. They are all blind golfers and I think it's great they can even play!"

The first player in the gang felt terrible and told the waitress, "You're right, tell you what., send them over a round of drinks on me!"

The second guy told the waitress to put the blind golfers' lunches on his tab. The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers.

Everyone looked at the fourth guy. "Screw 'em", he grumbled, "Couldn’t they have played last night?"

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Retiree

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

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Tough Putt

A golfer and his caddy walk up to a long par-3.

The cocky golfer says, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter"

The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet

in front of him.

The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds - "Good luck with that putt!!"

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Priest

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date.

He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard "Fore!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.

"I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"

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Nixon

Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer.

He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.

Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissinger. " I scored 126," he said

"That's very good, your golf is certainly improving," said Kissinger.

"I was bowling, Henry," Nixon replied.

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Beginner

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

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Handicap

A couple of buddies, decide to play together for the first time.

Mac is an avid golfer and Jimmy is new to the game. On the way to the course, Mac asks "By the way, what's your handicap?"

Jimmy replies, "I don't have one . . . it's more like a permanent disability" 

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Downhill

After winning the US and British Open and the PGA Championship, a writer asked Tiger Woods if that was his greatest year. Tiger replied "No, when I was 11, I had straight "A's", won 32 junior tournaments, has two recesses a day and had the cutest girlfriend in the whole school. Everything has been downhill since then."

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Tough

Mac invited his friend Jimmy to play at his new club. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole.

Jimmy teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the tee box and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything.

He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said - "Boy, this is a really tough course!"

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Cheating

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.  So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were in need of that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

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Imaginary

Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.

They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.

After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less than eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So, he tees off with his imaginary ball.

"Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green"

The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.

"You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win."

The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."

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The Bee

A Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course.

Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.

The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner's bare rear end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.

The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: "What was the bet?"

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Bad Day

A very bad golfer is playing at a new course and he is having a very bad day.

He is on the 18th hole, and he sees a lake.

He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake!"

The caddy says, "Not Gonna Happen! You can't keep your head down that long."

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Jigger Inn

A visiting golfer at St Andrews was having an absolutely miserable round when he hit his 3rd shot into the infamous bunker guarding the green on the Road Hole.

"What do I do now?" he asked his caddie.

"Well, sir, The Jigger Inn is just down the road," the caddie said.

"I think we should go there, have a wee one and rethink the whole bloody thing."

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Murder

A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know.

Five, six, seven . . . Put me down for a five."

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S.H.I.T.

In the 16th century, most everything was transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because it weighed less but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gas as a by-product.

The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up.

The first time someone came below at night with a lantern.... BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened. Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

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Lamaze

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher... "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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“Dirty” Sayings in Golf

1. Nuts....my shaft is bent.
2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. Look at the size of his putter.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
6. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
7. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more
8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10. Hold up . . . I need to wash my balls first.

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Riders

A foursome of elderly gentlemen went to the bar after a round of golf.

At the bar, the new Pro asked them "How did your game go today?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.

The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly and had only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time.

He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"

Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

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Family Men

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That ain’t nothin', I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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Actual Pro Shop Calls

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that's not it.

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What's the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

 ~~~

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

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Lost City

For months the archaeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City.

Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards.

It had to be…a golf course!

Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of sculptures and paintings of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

The next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club of the Lost City. And yes, it was soon learned that the tribes did have legends of the Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.

While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery".

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied. "Simple", was the translation, "they could not afford the green fees.”

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Most Advice

Barbara Nicklaus discovered that is not easy being the wife of The Golden Bear, during the Tour Wife’s Championship.

At the end of the 9-hole event, her ears were ringing.

She didn't win anything but her overly helpful husband/caddy won the "Most Advice" award.

He told her 165 things in those nine holes.

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Rule Amendments

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in the scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from a nice tuft of grass.
3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
4. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
5. Same thing for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law. Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the law of physics.
6. A putt that stops close enough to inspire such comments as "You can blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

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Scratch Golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"

"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

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Golf Definitions

• Golf: A 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments
• Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it
• Oxymoron: An easy par-3
• Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice
• Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder.

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Hoover

Father O'Malley was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover."

The Father replied "It's the biggest dam I know."

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Aliens

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement

The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.

Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer.

The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.

At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble!"

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Your Choice Dear

Four married guys go golfing.  While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?’”

And she said, "Wear your sweater".

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The Finer Reasons to Golf

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf. "What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind."

"Screw that," said his friend. "I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!"

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Alternate Shot

A golfer playing in a two-man alternate shot tournament drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole.

His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.

The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to sink the putt.

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer.

"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

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Golf Defined

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
• "I wish I could play my normal game . . . just once."
• Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
• If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
• Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.
• The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."
• A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
• I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to reconsider this game.
• Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
• Golf is the only sport where your most feared opponent is you.
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work....and both are expensive.
• The best wood in most golfer's bags is the pencil.
• To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...they shoot a "six", yell "fore" and write "five".
• Swing easy. Hit hard.
• Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
• Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

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Best Ball

Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best ball match . . . wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation.

On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, 15-foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt.

Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole...dead on line.

Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, "Right train, wrong ticket."

The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, "No sleeper cars on that train either".

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Lose The Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for an amateur lion tamer with creative approaches and two people show up.

He’s a good looking, retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous babe in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them; "Be careful in there - this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good and creative or you're likely to be lunch too.

Here's your equipment – a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try their luck first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks; "Can you do that?"

The tough old golfer replies without hesitation; "No problem, just get that lion out of there first!!"

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Half Hour Late

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.

We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.

He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."

The following week he shows up right on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left-handed – and again he shoots a 72.

I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.

He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."

I then asked him - "How come sometimes you play right-handed and other times you play left-handed."

He said: "When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right-handed."

I then ask; "So, what if she is lying flat on her back?"

"Well, that's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied.

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Gifts

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, inscribed with the lawyer's name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

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Grand Advice

Great Grandfather had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.

Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18.

Directly after golf he attended his great, great grandson's wedding.

During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great, great grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.

After a while the young groom said "Grandfather what's it like making love when you reach your age."

And he replied, "Well, it’s kinda like putting with a rope."

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By The Rules

Two friends were playing golf one day.

They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path.

As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie."

No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So, the man went to the cart to get a club.

As he stood over the ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks!

Finally, after several practice swings, he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

"YOUR 7-iron!" he replied.

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Mulligan

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.

After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one.

He then asked the Scottish, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

"We call it 3."

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In 1923

~ In 1923, do you know who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. The greatest wheat speculator?
4. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
5. The Great Bear of Wall Street?
6. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 90 years later, do you know what became of these men? 

1. Charles Schwab – President of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
2. Edward Hopson – President of the largest gas company, went insane.
3. Arthur Cooger – The greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
4. Cosabee Livermore – President of the BIS, shot himself
5. The Great Bear of Wall Street – Committed suicide
6. Richard Whitney – NYSE president released from prison to die at home.

In that same year of 1923, Gene Sarazen won most of the important golf championships, including both the US Open and PGA Championship. He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95 . . . and was financially solvent at his death.

Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!

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Two Scots

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.

He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls.

He then asks Angus for a ball, and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well.

This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny,"

Rabby replies "Ouch, Angus if you cannee afford to play de game, ya should nee be out here"

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Atheist

Two men, a priest and an atheist, are playing golf.

At the green on the first hole, the atheist, lines up for a short two-foot putt, taps the ball, and the ball slips around the edge of the cup and does not go in. "Dammit, I missed!" exclaims the atheist.

The priest, then tells the atheist that he shouldn't curse, because God will punish the atheist for doing so.

On the second hole, the atheist tries a particularly aggressive chip shot to get the ball onto the green and instead lands in a sand bunker. "Dammit I missed!" exclaimed the atheist, to which the priest again issued a warning about God punishing those who curse.

The round continues in much the same way, with the atheist continuing to exclaim "Dammit I missed!" every time he hits an errant ball (which is quite often), and the priest continues to admonish him about God's wrath.

Finally, they get to the eighteenth hole and the score is tied. The atheist needs to make a two-foot putt in order to win. He taps the ball, and again he misses, and again, he curses his miss.

Before the priest can respond, the clouds in the sky open up, and a bolt of lightning shoots out and hits the priest, killing him.

Then, from the cloud comes a loud voice "Dammit, I missed."

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The Ducks

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven.

Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: "Don't step on the ducks."

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, "The ducks?"

"Yes," St. Peter Said. "There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished."

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.

St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, "Who stepped on a duck?"

"I did," admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man's face, and he cuffed him to the woman. "I told you not to step on the ducks," St. Peter said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman replied: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

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Fatherly Advice

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son.

Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before.

Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.

You'll be pre-occupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal...it's called golf."

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First Prize

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

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Heart Attack

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his shot.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you."

"The second hole? When is he coming?"

"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, stroking his putt.

"Everyone has already agreed to let him play through."

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Shorten

James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.

James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"

The pro replied: "You should shorten your clubs by 1 inch."

James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.

To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the trash can!"

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Heaven

Bob was trying desperately to get in 18 on a soon-to-be stormy day.

He was playing the round of his life, but as the weather grew worse, his swing on the 15th tee was awkward, resulting in a hooked drive into the trees.

His lie was a good one, but right next to a tree. He quickly approached his ball, set himself up, and right as he took the club to the top, lighting struck down from the sky catching his steel shafted 5 iron.

His friends hurried over to see that there was a large crater in the ground and no site of Bob or his clubs - He was gone.

When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Son, we are sorry to have taken you at such an early age, however, because you love the game so much, and you had the round of your life going, we decided to bring your clubs that you love so dearly so that you may play all the courses of heaven which are more incredible than any course you have ever played."

The man started crying instantly, to which St. Peter replied, "I know, you have left behind many loved ones."

Bob said, "No, that's not it."

"Yes, my son, you also had an unbelievable life and a great career," St. Peter said.

"No, that's not it either," sobbed Bob.

St. Peter was stumped, "Well then, what could make you so unhappy, that you would cry like a three-year-old girl?"

Bob looked up as the tears flooded from his eyes and said, "I think I left my wedge back on the 14th green."

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Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?", asked the first detective.

"He was shot with a golf gun," replied the other.

"A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"

"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

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If I Died?

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question.

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Local Rules

Among the more interesting rules at Willie Nelson personal Golf Club in Austin, Texas is that no more than 12 people are allowed in each foursome. And there is no such thing as a lost ball, because sooner or later someone is going to find it.

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Cell Call

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after finishing 18 holes. Suddenly, a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?" "Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! before we hang up, something else..."

"What Dear?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and . . . I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, tennis court, acre of park area, beach front property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $1,450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,400,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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In Two

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. He took another mighty swing with his 3-wood and the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

And he replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

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Surprise!!

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and got to talking about planning a 5-day golf trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home totally frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Dave sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.  "Last night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife sneaked up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.'  When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'

 . . . . SO HERE I AM!"

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Lady Luck

Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck.

He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.

His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive.

Finally, Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.

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Weather

McDermott and McDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows.

The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.

Finally, McDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf."

"Aye," McDuff replied. "Same time next Saturday?"

"Aye," said McDuff, "weather permitting."

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The Bus Schedule

At a municipal golf course, a foursome approached the tee of the 430-yard, par-4 sixth hole. The long, straight fairway ran along a road that was fenced on the right.

The green was slightly to the left of the straightaway with another road paralleling the green from which golfers often received heckler calls.

The first golfer teed off with a long ball slice in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence, bounced 150 yards down the road, where it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course stopping just 10 yards short of the green.

As they all stood in amazement, a fellow golfer asked, "How on earth did you do that?"

The response came without hesitation, "You have to know the bus schedule.”

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What Golf Means

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
2. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
3. Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
6. The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'
7. A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.
8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
10. If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
11. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
12. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
13. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

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New Clubs

Carl and Dave were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when Dave noticed that Carl got a new set of clubs.

Dave asked Carl how he liked the clubs and if they've helped his game at all.

Carl replied, "Oh yeah, they're great clubs! They've added at least 25 yards to my slices, about 30 yards to my hooks and you would be amazed at the size of my divots!"

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From The Farm

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a 5-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.  We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the Cow's' butt.”

“Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey Honey, this looks like yours!'”

“I don't remember much after that......”

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What To Do

Earl addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.

The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force and he dropped! Earl and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.

"Good heavens" exclaimed Earl, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here, he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two-club length drop."

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The Fortune Teller

On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller, the Golfer asks: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortune teller replies: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

Golfer: "So what's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

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GOLFaholic

~ You know you’re a GOLFaholic if . . . 

1. You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
2. You know there's more to life than golf, but you’re not interested in finding out what it is!
3. You quit the game forever, twice a month!
4. You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
5. You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!
6. You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!
7. The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!
8. You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!

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Weight

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league.

This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are 'skinnier' than the married ones.

The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.

The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

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Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says, “Well then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died.’"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and, in a few seconds, says, "In that case, let it read, ‘Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.’"

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Math

Golf is also a game of math.

This formula will help your game, D=nxP2.

This formula illustrates that the odds of hitting a “duffed” shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

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Hit & Pray

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you Father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

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The Golf Genie

This guy has just completed a rough divorce and decided he would like to play a relaxing round of golf.

While waiting on the first tee, he saw the two-some in front of him throw something shiny in the trash. After they got halfway down the fairway, the guy reached into the trash and pulled out a golden bowl. He rubbed it to get the dirt off and a genie popped out. The genie told the guy that he would grant him 3 wishes, under the circumstances that his ex-wife would get double what he wished for.

The guy said he wanted a Lamborghini. The genie reassured him that his ex-wife would get two of them. The guy had no hesitation and said he didn’t care if his ex had two, as long as he had one for himself. Poof! The genie said there was a Lamborghini in his driveway.

The man’s next wish was $1 million in the back of his Lamborghini. The genie reassured him that his wife would have $2 million. The guy didn’t care and told the genie to fulfill his wish.

For the guy’s final wish, he thought long and hard. He handed the genie his 6-iron and said calmly, “beat me half to death.”

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Take It with You

One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him.

As luck would have it, he died soon after and when the funeral was over, his buddies met.

The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic."

The priest said "Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center."

Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said

"I can't believe you guys went back on your word."

They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin.

He replied "I most certainly did . . . with my very own personal check."

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The Yips

Mac is having serious trouble putting on the back nine, and complains: "I've got a case of the yips. I just can't putt anymore. I've lost my touch.

It must be my nerves or maybe it's old age"

Jimmy, sarcastically replies, "Or maybe it's that six-pack you drank on the front nine".

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Secrets of Great Golf

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.

He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

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Marriage

A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church.

Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.

His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"

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Don’t Mess with God

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was all alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he gonna to tell?"

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Vision

Mac was an avid golfer his entire life.

As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.

The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97-year-old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle.

The doctor gave Mac the old man's name and suggested that he could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.

Mac, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle!

Well Mac made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.

On the first tee, Mac drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went.

He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"

To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."

Mac asked, "Where did it go? "

Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

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Echo

A golfer hit his ball into a ravine.

His buddies heard `whack, whack, whack' on and on, until finally he got the ball out.

His buddy asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?" He said, "three", but his buddy said, "I heard seven."

His reply was, "Four of them were echoes."

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Age & Experience

A father, son, and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.

Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”

The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak. I left a tricky little putt.” Then she tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell but of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, Sweetheart. Your car or mine?”

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Better Than Sex

1. You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2. If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
3. The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous
5. Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with
6. It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger
7. When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
8. If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
10. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
12. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment
13. There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease
14. If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
15. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
16. Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
17. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
18. Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

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Demons

The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons.

He stood up and said, "Well, you poor useless lot of sissies, there is too much good in the world. You are all time wasters and you make me sick., You came to hell to help make man's life a misery. Instead you waste your time playing silly games. So, what are you going to do about it?"

Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said, "O' Lord of great darkness. I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain control."

Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?"

The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."

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Dentures

A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

"The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin.... and that was the first time in two years my teeth haven't hurt."

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In The Rough

Mac and Jimmy are playing a challenging new course and as usual Mac is having a tough time off the tee.

On the 6th hole he hits a huge banana ball.

"Did you see where that drive went...is it in the rough?" he asks.

"Sort of " says Jimmy.

"How far in?" asks Mac.

"I'm not sure, but I hope our cart has 4-wheel drive"

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To The Golfer

In my hand I hold a ball,

White and dimpled, rather small

Oh, how bland it does appear,

This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess

The awesome strength it does possess;

But since I fell beneath its spell

I've wandered through the fires of Hell.

My life has not been quite the same

Since I chose to play this game.

It rules my mind for hours on end.

A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me curse and cry.

I hate myself and want to die.

It promises a thing called "par".

If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball

Should not be very hard at all.

But my desires the ball refuses

And does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices . . . dribbles . . . dies

Or disappears before my eyes

Often it will have a whim

To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land

It finds a tiny patch of sand.

Then has me offering up my soul

If it will just drop in the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup,

And swear that I will give it up

And take a drink to ease my sorrow.

But "The Ball" knows . . . I'll be back tomorrow.

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Out of My Mind

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife.

"Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," snapped Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive.... that would be a gimme putt."

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Health Food

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your #@!%&~ bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Truth is Hard to Hear

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of your driver. "

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end.

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Fore

A duffer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricocheted through the trees and onto the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.

When he got to his ball, he was greeted by the unintentional target, who angrily told him of the near miss.

"I'm very sorry" the errant golfer said, "I didn't have time to holler fore".

"That's funny" the man replied," you had plenty of time to holler SHIT".

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Sucker

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.

The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.

The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms.

Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish enough to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

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Lag Putt

In his prime, Seve Ballesteros was a very aggressive player knowing that he could take uncanny risks because of his incredible short game.

He was a phenomenal putter.

One time when asked by a writer to translate "lag putt" into Spanish, he thought for several moments then asked,

"What is a lag putt?"

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Terrible Weather

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather - He was hooked

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."

She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."

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Hazard Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

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Personal Ads

The forty-something business executive - and an avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town as him.

The ad read as follows - Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in a partner for long term relationship.

* GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY *

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Gas

Two couples went out golfing together.

The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.

No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said,

"I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

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Funeral

Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match.

Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing.

The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole. Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him,

"Cheer up Father - just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."

The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."

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Golf Study

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud - Almost feels like a hybrid.

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Tough Round

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.

He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day!

Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, ". . . And now it's started!"

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What's In A Lie...

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

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Priorities

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a rage, listing every problem they had in the last 15 years they've been married, and she goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week, can you do that "?

The husband says "No! But I can bring her in on Monday's and Friday's, but on Wednesday's, I play golf!

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Do you know that...

When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, His throat gets dry and he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf glove.

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Bifocals

A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.

Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.

Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.

Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.

Of course, the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.

Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So, I hit the little ball with the big club all day.

When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.

After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.

He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired.

An obviously tipsy Dave replied "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"

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The Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a fortune on that bird.

"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the . . .??? But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So, I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

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Golf Truisms

1. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white - they're sold by the dozen - and a week later you have to buy more.
2. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
3. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
4. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard?
5. Golf is by far the ultimate love / hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.
6. It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery.
7. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
8. Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
9. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.
10. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
11. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
12. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
13. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
14. You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!

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Caddie Comebacks

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddie: "I doubt that. I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

 ~~~

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 "

Caddie: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

 ~~~

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"

Caddie: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!"

 ~~~

Golfer: "Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?"

Caddie: "Very good, Sir! But personally, I prefer Golf."

 ~~~

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddie: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

 ~~~

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddie: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

 ~~~

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time It's distracting!"

Caddie: "This isn't a watch, Sir. It's a compass!"

 ~~~

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddie: "The way you play, Sir, it’s a crime any day of the week!"

 ~~~

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddie: "It's not supposed to be."

 ~~~

Judge: "Do you truly understand the seriousness of things when you swear and state an oath?"

Boy: "Do I ever, your honor! I once caddied for you!"

 ~~~

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."

Caddie: "It still could be Sir; it's been a long time since we started!"

 ~~~

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddie: "Eventually."

 ~~~

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."

Caddie: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence"

 ~~~

Golfer: "Well, I've never played this badly before"

Caddie: "I didn't realize that you had played before, sir"

 ~~~

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It is annoying."

Caddie: "This isn't a watch, sir. It is a compass."

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18 Holes

Here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out . . .

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Golf "How To's"

1. How to line up your fourth putt
2. How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
3. How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
4. How to get more distance off the shank.
5. How to use your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.
6. How to handle crying over poor shots
7. How to rationalize a 7-hour round.
8. How to find that ball that everyone saw go in the water.
9. How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
10. When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.

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